WEEKLY REVIEW: WEEK 7

Blame the Red Sox for last week... gfy

1) Matchups

CJ ran a 4.24 forty at the combine. If Usain Bolt and CJ raced around the world CJ would lap him twice.

THE AMBULANCE CHASERS vs DONKEY PUNCHERS
Chasers lose their Champions Cup opener
123.25-105.65
Team Stars
Chasers: Chris Johnson (25.20)
Punchers: Antonio Bryant (23.50)

Fuck me. Fuck me team. Im still going to make the playoffs, assholes, even after I lose my next two games(Brad and Rice). I have nothing but crappy teams down the stretch. Yeah, that's right. I said it.

I hate fantasy football. Thank god its fantasy basketball season... and only about 3 months and 3 weeks until pitchers and catchers!

Dominic Rhodes and his grandfather

SK WARRIORS vs. SPREAD EAGLES
Spread Eagles win the "Everything Broke Right Bowl"
168.05-66.65
Team Stars
Warriors: NONE
Eagles: Dominic Rhodes (27.40)

Wow, Pat did this despite nobody scoring more than 27.40 points! GFY Pat.

Cocksucker passed me in total points, too, though he had to go for almost 170 to barely do it.


STRATT MEN vs. THE SPANK IT BOYZ
Stratt Men prove me right again
139.65-110.45
Team Stars
Boyz: Clinton Portis (25.30)
II
Men: Steve Smith (24.20)

Ok, now try winning without Reggie Bush, loser!

BROWN B-RADS vs. JGR
Im seriously out of names here, folks
126.40-110.70
Team Stars
B-Rads: A Pete (26.00)
JGR: Marion the Barbarian (18.30)

Fuck you, Johnny. You want me to get the review out earlier? Beat fucking Brad for me. He only put up 126, for chrissake.

Id apologize about Brandon Jones... but you only missed out on 1.90 points from Meachem in the alternative.


StS vs. THE BEASTS
Mike wins a Casali Cup Showdown
125.10-99.70
Team Stars
StS: Steven Jackson (37.60)
Breasts: Andre Johnson (25.10)

Mike wins a big matchup, ensuring that he will be in contention for the Casali Cup.

Rudi Johnson, George? He's a drop*.


*-Brad, Im claiming Rudi Johnson


RI COLTS vs. GOODFELLAS
Tom gets off the Schneid
112.35-76.50
Team Stars
Colts: Mewelde Moore (36.40)
Fellas: Chad Ocho Sucko (19.20)

See, Tom? All you had to do was score 112 to win a game!

Holy shit, if you had asked me before the season if I thought there was a chance Andoscia would have gone undefeated... well, I would have thought for a second and said "yeah, like 75%." I just would never have imagined it was JAY Andoscia.

Free Willy 4: Revenge of LenWhale

TTB vs. Leg Sweepers
Sweepers get swept
131.50-89.15
Team Stars
TTB: LenDale White (34.60)
Leg Sweepers: Thomas Jones (16.90)

I have to say Im impressed that Vinny has managed to get to 4-3 despite the injuries and bad losses he suffered.

I also have to say Im TERRIFIED of facing Rice the week after his great WRs only put up 15 points total... that fucking sucks.


2) Bets

-CASALI LIQUORS CUP

A conference style competition, for anyone who works or who has worked at Casali Liquors. Wager amount TBD. Cup awarded to the team with the best record against other Casali Cup teams. If two teams tie the tiebreaker will be who won when the tied teams met head to head.

2-0 StS
1-1 Beasts
0-0 Ambulance Chasers
0-2 RI Colts

Past Winners:
2007: RI Colts
2006: Ambulance Chasers

-CHAMPIONS CUP

A conference style competition, for past winners of the CFFL Championship. Cup awarded to the team with the best record against other Champions Cup teams.

1-0 Donkey Punchers
0-0 Brown B-Rads
0-1 Ambulance Chasers

It is the inaugural season for the Champions Cup

-YANKEES
Mike sucks. Yankees suck. Arod sucks.

-NL EAST
John sucks. Mets suck. Yankees suck.


3) Heroes

MOST POINTS BY A TEAM THIS WEEK (WEEK 7)
168.05 - Spread Eagles vs. SK Warriors RECORD!

MOST POINTS BY A TEAM THIS WEEK (WEEK 6)
151.60 - SK Warriors vs. Breasts

MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS WEEK (WEEK 7)
37.60 - Steven Jackson

MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS WEEK (WEEK 6)
34.30 - Marion Barber

MOST POINTS BY A TEAM IN A SINGLE WEEK THIS YEAR
168.05 - Spread Eagles vs. SK Warriors (Week 7) RECORD! HOW DID HE DO THIS WHEN THE HIGHEST SCORING PLAYER ONLY SCORED 27 BLAH BLAH BLAH???
157.45 - Brown B-Rads vs. SK Warriors (Week 2)
151.60 - SK Warriors vs. Breasts (Week 6)
149.40 - Brown B-Rads vs Beasts (Week 4)
147.35 - Breasts vs. SK Warriors (Week 6)
146.80 - Ambulance Chasers vs. GOODFELLAS (Week 2)
146.35 - Leg Sweepers vs. StS (Week 2)
140.95 - Ambulance Chasers vs. Spank It Boyz (Week 5)
138.25 - SK Warriors vs. RI Colts (Week 3)
139.65 - Stratt Men vs. Spank It Boyz (Week 7)
137.90 - Donkey Punchers vs StS (Week 1)
136.00 - Stratt Men (Week 3)

MOST CUMULATIVE POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS YEAR
161.10 - Drew Brees - Spread Eagles
160.70 - Aaron Rodgers - GOODFELLAS
155.50 - Jay Cutler - StS
153.75 - Phillip Rivers - Brown B-Rads
146.70 - Marion Barber - JGR
141.15 - Tony Romo - JGR
140.90 - Clinton Portis - Spank It Boyz
138.80 - Matt Forte - Stratt Men
138.00 - Reggie Bush - Stratt Men
135.10 - Frank Gore - SK Warriors


4) Stars

WEEK 6 STARS
Chasers - Correll Buckhalter (30.80)
Stratt Men - Bernard Berrian (24.40)
Warriors - Steve Breaston (24.20) (How ironic the Breasts were beaten by a guy named "Breaston")
Breasts - Andre Johnson (33.80)
TTB - Lance Moore (16.70)
Punchers - Vincent Jackson (24.40)
B-Rads - Greg Jennings (19.40)
FELLAS - Aaron Rodgers (26.70)
StS - Plaxico Burress (15.80)
Boyz - Braylon Edwards (28.40)
Colts - Marvin Harrison (23.30)
Eagles - Drew Brees (28.70)
JGR - Marion Barber (34.30)
Sweepers - Thomas Jones (28.80)

STARS OF THE WEEK (WEEK 6) (Star #1 = 3 stars, #2 = 2 stars, #3 = 1 star)

STAR #1: 34.30 - Marion Barber - JGR
STAR #2: 33.80 - Andre Johnson - Breasts
STAR #3: 30.80 - Correll Buckhalter - Chasers

STARS OF THE WEEK (WEEK 7) (Star #1 = 3 stars, #2 = 2 stars, #3 = 1 star)

STAR #1: 37.60 - Steven Jackson - StS
STAR #2: 36.40 - Mewelde Moore - RI Colts
STAR #3: 34.60 - LenDale White - TTB


STAR LEADERS (Most stars at the end of of the season is the MVP)

9 Andre Johnson

7 Marion Barber

6 Brandon Marshall
6 Michael Turner

5 Steven Jackson
5 Larry Johnson

4 Anquan Boldin
4 Lav Coles
4 TJ Houshyomommakfhjefafdflhdah
4 Greg Jennings
4 Clinton Portis

3 Reggie Bush
3 FWP
3 LT
3 Brian Westbrook

2 Bernard Berrian
2 Drew Brees
2 Correll Buckhalter
2 Plaxico Burress
2 Donald Driver
2 DeSean Jackson
2 Brandon Jacobs
2 Thomas Jones
2 Larry Fitzgerald
2 Lance Moore
3 Mewelde Moore
2 Santana Moss
2 Adrian Peterson
2 Aaron Rodgers
2 Hines Ward
2 LenDale White

1 Steve Breaston
1 Ronnie Brown
1 Isaac Bruce
1 Antonio Bryant
1 Chris Chambers
1 Chris Cooley
1 Jerricho Cotchery
1 Jay Cutler
1 Braylon Edwards
1 Frank Gore
1 Marvin Harrison
1 Ike Hilliard
1 Vincent Jackson
1 Edgerrin James
1 Calvin Johnson
1 Chris Johnson
1 Marshawn Lynch
1 Darren McFadden
1 Donovan McNabb
1 Randy Moss
1 Phillip Rivers
1 Dominic Rhodes
1 Steve Smith
1 Fred Taylor
1 Kurt Warner
1 Reggie Wayne
1 Kellen Winslow
1 Jason Witten
1 Roddy White

"Fat, Drunk, Stupid and pitching for the New York
Yankees is no way to go through life, son"

5) Zeroes (players who started and scored no points)

Steve - Marques Colston
Brad - Donte Rosario
John - Brandon Jones
Mike - INDY DEF
Tom - Bryant Johnson

7) Almost Zeroes (Players who started and scored few points – less than 15 FFP for a QB; less than 10 for a RB, less than 5 for a WR)

Vinny - Lance Moore
Vinny - Bobby Engram
Rice - Reggie Wayne
Tom - Peyton Manning
Tom - Marvin Harrison
Tom - Michael Pittman
Jay - Aaron Rodgers
Jay - Ricky Williams
Mike - Jay Cutler
George - Warrick Dunn
George - Rudi Johnson
Ben - Reggie Bush
Steve - Frank Gore
Steve - Ronnie Brown
Pat - Drew Brees
Al - Eli Manning
Al - Jerricho Cotchery INJURY
Al - Kolby Smith
Joe - Julius Jones

Possible footage of Lunchbox Chamberlain drunkenly running
away from the Po-Po... and the taunts of Red Sox fans.
You cant hide from 3rd place, Lunchy.

8) Haiku of the Week

Sox bow out at last
Joba gets a DUI
Such a fucking tool

9) Videos of the Week