Ambulance Chasers Fantasy Sports: WEEKLY REVIEW: WEEK 1

(saw this photo on the internet... classic. All the other photoshops are me)

1) Matchups

THE AMBULANCE CHASERS vs. THE SPREAD EAGLES
Eagles win the "I Guess There Will Never Be Another Perfect Season" Bowl
127.55-108.90
Team Stars
Chasers: Brian Westbrook (23.20)
Eagles: Hines Ward (25.60)

A disappointing loss for me. I put up a decent point total(108.90 - good for 6th best for the week). This was a very strange week that featured unusually low scoring. Week 1 of the season always has weird happenings like this. I do feel vindicated in giving Pat good odds, which I took some flak for.

My WRs killed me and I had anticipated them being the strength of my team week to week. My team performed well despite them, but it still stung. Housh had a bad matchup and Carson Palmer was awful, which killed his value this week. Baltimore is known for its defense, but usually Palmer still manages to light them up. Not this week. The same story for Tory Holt, but even worse. I didnt expect much from Holt this week, given that a) Bulger is terrible; b) The Eagles blitz on every down so Big Play wasnt going to be able to get downfield; and c) The Eagles have an excellent secondary. Somehow, he managed to under perform even my low expectations. On the upside, most of my bench guys emerged as legit options. Chris Henry showed he's the man in Cincy, even if he wasnt effective(Again - Fuck You Carson Palmer). Chris Johnson looked like vintage Marshall Faulk against the Jags. Pierre Thomas got used plenty. Cotchery is clearly the number one option in NY, and it looks like Favre and him will hook up a lot this season.

Pat's team looked very good. It was an unfortunate week to play him... Buffalo won 34-10... that blows. I drafted Lee Evans the last two(three?) years and I knew he would burn me as soon as he got the chance. Can't really feel that bad about this loss, because I think both these teams are in the top 6.

THE BROWN B-RADS vs. THE RI COLTS
Brown pieces of crap win the "Battle for 7th Place"
131.25-113.85
Team Stars
B-Rads: Adrian Peterson (18.40)
Colts: FWP (31.80)

I still dont like either of these teams very much. The WRs are not that good. Jacobs is a boom or bust guy who doesnt get you any points if he doesnt get in the end zone. FWP looked great, but we still dont know if he's going to get goal line duty... all those TD runs came from around 10 yards out. I think these teams kind of hit their ceilings with these performances. This creates the illusion theyre a couple of the better teams in the league, but Im not seeing it. I'll upgrade them in the odds, because they performed well... but I remain skeptical.

SK WARRIORS vs. LEG SWEEPERS
Jeff "Dont call me Ray" Rice wins the "Guys Who Have Had Sex with Brad Bowl"
111.05-95.45
Team Stars
Warriors: Frank Gore (25.10)
Sweepers: Reggie Wayne (24.60)

Shockingly, Rice's WRs are ridiculous and carried him to victory. In a few weeks, this may not even look like one of their better weeks... It looks like RBs are still going to be a major, major issue for Rice. Will the Raiders even have a lead this year?

Ronald Curry got a garbage time TD. Jenkins had one reception - a 62 yard TD. Steve can maybe fool himself into thinking his WRs arent that bad, but they still are... Ive had guys like this on my team... not fun to watch. I love Gore this year and it appears Gates is back. If Palmer hadnt shit the bed this team would have scored a decent amount of points.

StS vs. DONKEY PUNCHERS
Punchers win the "Raising the 2007 Championship Banner at the Puncher Dome Bowl"
137.90-90.15
Team Stars
StS: Plaxico Burress (23.30)
Punchers: Michael "the Burner" Turner (35.60)

Well, Joe has had a nice fantasy year. Then to start the season he has one of those weeks where EVERYTHING goes right. Turner explodes for 220 yards. Touchdowns flow like wine. The guys on his bench all go nuts... his team looks deep and strong. He now has 5 starting RBs(Addai, Turner, Jamal Lewis, Slaton, Julius Jones) and at least four good WRs. It is now the mission of everyone in the league to take this bastard down and root against him.

Mike: Willis McGahee? Really?? How many times did I warn you not to play him? How many times did I say "Trade him while you still can!"? Im worried about Vernon Davis because apparently Martz never uses tight ends. Stephen Jackson looked like shit, too. Still, these WRs are very good and the smart money says they wont lay down again next week.

THE BEASTS vs. THE STRATT MEN
Stratt Men win the "Nobody Deserves A Win In This Game Bowl"
80.50-71.75
Team Stars
Breasts: Andre Johnson (21.20)
Men: Reggie Bush (30.30)

Yuck. The two lowest point totals for the week play eachother. It was a single digit scoring bonanza. In all fairness, there were a ton of injuries in this game.

Ben actually looks damn dangerous. He forgot to play Santana Moss, who did well. He also has Steve Smith coming back in a couple weeks. I sent Ben a message after Brady went down thanking him for his donation. His angry and vulgar response showed me that he is, indeed, no longer a fantasy football rookie. He is now a miserable bastard like the rest of us.

Unlike the Brad vs. Tom game, I think these two underachievers are better than they look right now. Ironically, they both have WRs who were suspended for week 1(Steve Smith and Brandon Marshall).

THE GOODFELLAS vs. TTB
Teabaggers win
122.45-81.30
Team Stars
Fellas: LT (14.20)
Baggers: Donovan McNabb (30.35)

In my opening odds article, I questioned Nate Burleson as a weakness. He was making me eat crow until he suffered a season ending knee injury. Funny how often that works out like that. I think I have a gift. Vinny's WRs took another hit, with Moss losing some value now that Brady is out. He'll still be a top 5 WR even in the worst case, though. His RBs are shaping up to be a major concern. LenWhale and JStew were both supposed to be starters... but it sure didnt look that way on Sunday. Norwood looked good, but I wouldnt want to have to rely on him going forward.

Jay, on the other hand, doesnt appear to have any lack of RB depth. His stable of backs is second only to Joe. Unfortunately, you can only play two each week, and his WRs are a huge question mark, albeit one with some upside. The supporting cast is strong enough for LT to carry the day most weeks, I would think.

JGR vs. SPANK IT BOYZ

Boyz win the "Dude, Where's My Wide Receivers? Bowl"
94.40-83.20
Team Stars
JGR: Marion the Barbarian (25.10)
Boyz: Kellen Winslow (15.70)

Tough week for John. Im not going to rub it in anymore. I think Ive been pretty clear on how I feel about his WRs.

Terry looked pretty crappy, but still won. He got terrible performances from Braylon Edwards, Clinton Portis and Selvin Young. Young worries me some(The Broncos were ahead the entire game and he still didnt put up big numbers), but he has Sammy Morris if Young falters. The other guys Im confident will put up huge numbers this year. Terry looks as dangerous right now as any team of his I can remember. That doesnt say a whole lot, mind you, because his teams have been pretty crappy most of the time. He has a pretty good team.

3) Bets

-CASALI LIQUORS CUP

A conference style competition, for anyone who works or who has worked at Casali Liquors. Wager amount TBD. Cup awarded to the team with the best head to head record against other Casali Cup teams. If two teams tie the tiebreaker will be who won when the tied teams met.

0-0 RI Colts
0-0 Ambulance Chasers
0-0 StS
0-0 Beasts

-CHAMPIONS CUP
A conference style competition, for past winners of the CFFL Championship. Cup awarded to the team with the best head to head record against other Champions Cup teams. If two teams tie the tiebreaker will be who won when the tied teams met.

0-0 Ambulance Chasers
0-0 Donkey Punchers
0-0 Brown B-Rads

YANKEES
Mike bet me twenty the Yanks would make the playoffs. Sorry, Mike.

-NL EAST
John bet me 50 bucks the Mets win the division. I say the Phightin Phils take it.

Please inform me of any other bets you have that you would like listed here

3) Heroes

MOST POINTS BY A TEAM THIS WEEK
137.90 - Donkey Punchers vs StS

MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS WEEK
35.60 - Michael Turner - Donkey Punchers

CUMULATIVE AWARDS WILL BE SHOWN STARTING WEEK 2

4) Stars

STARS OF THE WEEK (Star #1 = 3 stars, #2 = 2 stars, #3 = 1 star)

STAR #1: Michael Turner - Donkey Punchers - 35.60
STAR #2: FWP - RI Colts - 31.80
STAR #3: Reggie Bush - Stratt Men - 30.30

STAR LEADERS (Most stars at the end of of the season is the MVP)

4 Michael Turner

3 FWP

2 Reggie Bush

1 Marion Barber
1 Plaxico Burress
1 Frank Gore
1 Andre Johnson
1 Donovan McNabb
1 Adrian Peterson
1 LT
1 Hines Ward
1 Reggie Wayne
1 Brian Westbrook
1 Kellen Winslow

TEAM STARS FROM "THE U" THIS WEEK

Frank Gore
Andre Johnson
Reggie Wayne
Kellen Winslow

TEAM STARS FROM MARYLAND THIS WEEK

5) Zeroes (players who started and scored no points)

Mike - Willis McGahee
Ben - Donte Stallworth
Ben - Bobby Wade
John - Robert Meachem
John - Jabar Gaffney

6) The JGR Memorial Almost Heroes (WRs and RBs who did not start and scored 20+ points)

Al - Chris Johnson (21.70)
Joe - Eddie Royal (30.50)

7) Almost Zeroes (Players who started and scored few points – less than 15 FFP for a QB; less than 10 for a RB, less than 5 for a WR)

Al - Torry Holt (1.90)
Al - Chris Perry (5.20)
Pat - Ryan Grant (9.20)
Tom - Larry Johnson (9.60)
Steve - Carson Palmer (6.45)
Steve - Darren McFadden (6.70)
Rice - Kurt Warner (13.85)
Rice - Larry Maroney (5.10)
Mike - Santonio Holmes (3.90)
Joe - Joseph Addai (5.70)
George - Drew Bennett (1.40) INJURY
George - MJD (9.00)
George - Maurice Morris (3.10) INJURY
Ben - Tom Brady (3.80) INJURY
Jay - Derek Anderson (12.10)
Jay - Chad Ocho Cinco (3.20)
Jay - Ted Ginn, Jr. (3.90)
Jay - Ricky Williams (7.90)
Vinny - Jonathan Stewart (5.30)
Terry - Braylon Edwards (3.40)
Terry - Clinton Portis (8.40)
Terry - Selvin Young (9.60)

It is worth noting that Edge and LenWhale each scored EXACTLY 10 points...