Odds to win CFFL Championship: Week 3

DISCLAIMER: Odds for informational purposes only

The Undisputed Favorite

2-1 Gay Rainbows

Undefeated

4-1 Stump the Skorupe

Striking Distance

5-1 RI Colts
5-1 Brown B-Rads
7-1 GOODFELLAS

Less than Perfect Starts

10-1 Ambulance Chasers

10-1 Donkey Punchers

12-1 SK Warriors
12-1 Cincinnati Bowties

15-1 Channel 4 News Team

Less than Less than Perfect Starts
18-1 Sweeney
20-1 Spank It Boyz

Just Win, Baby!
25-1 GY Beasts

25-1 The Strat Men

Odds will be updated weekly

MANAGER OF THE WEEK: WEEK 3

MANAGER OF THE YEAR

This is a new feature. Ive decided on a scoring system based on weekly performance to determine the manager of the year. Thing such as Zeroes or your player going for 50 points will earn you manager points. The player with the most of these arbitrarily decided points at the end of the year will be declared "manager of the year." Feel free to double check me, but as points can be randomly awared you should 1) phrase the email nicely; and 2) assume I ignored it on purpose because I hate you.

The Scoring System:

+10 Most team points in the week
+10 Star of the week
-5 Zero
-1 Almost Zero
-3 Almost Hero
+1 130+ points
+2 140+ points
+5 150+ points
+10 175+ points
+20 200+ points
-5 80- points
-10 70- points
-15 60- points
+5 Player on your team scores 40+ points
+10 Player on your team scores 50+ points

STANDINGS
JOHN 38
RICE 18
AL 14
MIKE 12
TOM 8
JAY 2
BRAD 2
JOE -1
VINNY -5
BEN -6
GY -6
STEVE -8
PAT -9
TERRY -17


RICE 18
-1 Almost Zero (Thomas Jones, Week 1)
-5 Zero (Michael Clayton, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Mark Clayton, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Ladell Betts, Week 2)
+5 150+ points (Week 2)
+5 Player on your team scores 40+ points (Carson Palmer, Week 2)
+10 Most team points in the week (Week 2)
+10 Star of the week (Carson Palmer, Week 2)
-3 Almost Hero (DAL, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Hines Ward, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Rudi Johnson, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Ladell Betts, Week 3)


JOHN 38
+10 Most Points in Week 1
-1 Almost Zero (Matt Leinart, Week 1)
+5 150+ Points (Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (LT, Week 2)
+1 130+ points (Week 2) +5 150+ points (Week 3)
+10 Player on your team scores 50+ points (Kevin Curtis, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Josh McCown, Week 3)
+10 Star of the week (Kevin Curtis, Week 3)


MIKE 12
+10 Star of the Week (Week 1 – Plaxico Burress)
-1 Almost Zero (Steven Jackson, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Eddie Kennison, Week 1)
+5 Player scores 40+ points (Plaxico Buress, Week 1)
+1 130+ points in a week (Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Ben Rosthgfffafkfburger, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Ahman Green, Week 3)


JAY 2
+5 Player scores 40+ points (Tony Romo, Week 1)
+1 130+ points in a week (Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Michael Jenkins, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Jamal Lewis, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Michael Jenkins, Week 2)
+1 130+ points in a week (Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Drew Carter, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Jamal Lewis, Week 3)


BRAD 2
+1 130+ points in a week (Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Donte Stallworth, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Larry Maroney, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Larry Maroney, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Marshawn Lynch, Week 2)
+1 130+ points in a week (Week 2)
+5 Player on your team scores 40+ points (Steve Smith, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Steve Smith, Week 3)


VINNY -5
-1 Almost Zero (Vince Young, Week 1)
-3 Almost Hero (Antwaan Randle-El, Week 1)
-5 Zero (Matt Jones, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Tatum Bell, Week 2)
+5 150+ points (Week 2)
+5 Player on your team scores 40+ points (Ocho Cinco, Week 2)
-3 Almost Hero (Roddy White, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Javon Walker, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Javon Walker, Week 3)


JOE -1
-1 Almost Zero (Duece McAllister, Week 1)
+1 130+ points in a week (Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Jake Delhomme, Week 3)

TOM 8
-3 Almost Hero (Derrick Ward, Week 1)
+1 130+ points in a week (Week 2)
+5 150+ points (Week 3)
+5 Player on your team scores 40+ points (Brian Westbrook, Week 3)


AL 14
-1 Almost Zero (Lee Evans, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Lee Evans, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Brandon Jackson, Week 2)
+5 Player on your team scores 40+ points (Week 3)
+5 150+ points (Week 3)
+10 Most team points in the week (Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Lee Evans, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Isaac Bruce, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Edge, Week 3)


GY -6
-1 Almost Zero (Drew Brees, Week 1)
-5 Zero (Patrick Crayton, Week 2)
+1 130+ points in a week (Week 2)
+1 130+ points (Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Kevin Walter, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Drew Brees, Week 3)


BEN -6
-1 Almost Zero (Reggie Brown, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Brandon Jacobs, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Rex Grossman, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Reggie Brown, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (DeShaun Foster, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Larry Johnson, Week 3)


STEVE -8
-1 Almost Zero (Phillip Rivers, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Julius Jones, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Reggie Bush, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Alex Smith, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Julius Jones, Week 2)
+1 130+ points (Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Julius Jones, Week 3)
-3 Almost Hero (Derrick Mason, Week 3)


PAT -9
-1 Almost Zero (DJ Hackett, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Cadillac Williams, Week 1)
-5 Zero (Devery Henderson, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Frank Gore, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (Devery Henderson, Week 3)


TERRY -17
-1 Almost Zero (Joe Jurevicius, Week 1)
-1 Almost Zero (Maurice Jones-Drew, Week 1)
-5 Zero (Deion Branch, Week 1)
-3 Almost Hero (Marion Barber, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Maurice Jones-Drew, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Donovan McNabb, Week 2)
-1 Almost Zero (Travis Henry, Week 3)
-1 Almost Zero (MJD, Week 3)
-3 Almost Hero (Marion Barber, Week 3)

WEEKLY REVIEW: WEEK 3

1) Matchups


AMBULANCE CHASERS vs. DONKEY PUNCHERS
Ambulance Chasers win the “Surprise 1-2 teams Bowl”
171.00 – 139.75
Team Stars
Punchers: T.J. Hsgmshdsfjhdsfzadeh (32.40)
Chasers: Anquan Boldin (44.10) & Ronnie Brown (47.10)

Owned. Poor Joe… averaging 131.7 points per game and sits at 1-2 with John up next. Strangely, I am also averaging 131.28 points and am 1-2. Joe is third in the league in total points and I am fourth. Why, you ask? Tough early schedule. I think Ive played three playoff teams. Mike, on the other hand is 3-0 despite scoring 30+ less total points than me or Joe. I blame the schedule makers(READ: Brad).

Our fantasy baseball world series match is tied 5-5 presently, though I would have the tiebreaker in ERA. One week to go… (before Jeter hits the fantasy links).

GOODFELLAS vs. SK WARRIORS
SK Warriors win the “Surprise 2-1 teams Bowl”
139.20 – 93.30
Team Stars
Fellas: Dallas Clark (15.80)
Warriors: Roy Williams (35.40)

Way to invite someone who’s apparently not retarded into the league, Brad. Terry: keep up the good work. I really want to rip these teams, but they both have better records than me, although I have a good amount of points over them both.



JOHNNY GAY RAINBOWS vs. TEAM GY
Rainbows win the “Kevin Curtis Bowl”
154.00 – 133.95
Team Stars
Rainbows: Kevin Curtis (51.10)
GY: Randy Moss (28.50)

Kevin Curtis. I thought about trading for him. Loved him at the draft. I even asked John about his availability on Saturday night when he was bitching about having to start him. I got very drunk and then poof! It was Sunday afternoon and Curtis had 200 yards by halftime.

George posts a decent point total here, but never had a chance to beat John. Especially on Monday. I think we can all agree Drew Brees was NEVER going to throw 5 TDs on MNF. He nearly threw 5 INTS, though, but unless our scoring system has changed drastically…

BROWN B-RADS vs. CINCINNATI BOWTIES
Bowties win the “Really close Bowl”
102.70 – 102.15
Team Stars
Spics: Tom Brady (31.75)
Bowties: Ocho Cinco (22.80)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… well done, Vinny.

I am NOT looking forward to having to watch Ocho Cinco on Monday next week when I play Vinny.

As for Brad – you fucking tool. How can the Patriots – of which your entire team is Patriots – score 38 points three weeks in a row and I still have 30 more points than you???? Is this possible? We may have seen the Brown B-Rads’ best already…



STUMP THE SKORUPE vs. BAD NEWZ KENNELZ
Stump wins the “Two guys with bad smack talk about me – oh wait, I didn’t go 0-3, you D-Bags - Bowl”
122.70 – 93.70
Team Stars
Stump: Terrell Owens (22.50)
Kennelz: Jon Kitna (30.40)

Okay, Mike, your WRs are good. Now lets see how you do w/out Steven Jackson.

Seriously, though, boys, time to change the smack talk. I have more points on the year than either of you. If you had played the guys Ive played youd be 0-3



SPANK IT BOYZ vs. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM
Spank it wins the “Everybody in the league is 1-2 Bowl”
124.15 – 96.00
Team Stars
Spanky: Donovan McNabb (35.75)
Ch 4: Antonio Gates (22.30)

Yuck. Suddenly the games where teams go less than 100 points are coming pretty often.

I really hope Jay regrets the trade that allowed Rice to get Antonio Gates. Shit, lets just outlaw trading draft picks so this doesn’t fucking happen again. Ridiculous.


RI COLTS vs. ROOKIE
RI Colts win the “Ben can’t catch a break bowl”
165.25 – 129.40
Team Stars
Colts: Brian Westbrook (45.10)
Ben: DeShaun Foster (26.50)

Ben, honestly, man… its not your fault. All things being equal youd be in decent shape. Im starting to believe in this team again. Stay the course and don’t panic.

As for Tom, apparently the Westbrook is hurt reports have begun for this year already… he’s never actually hurt, but I don’t envy you having to watch it. He looks pretty fucking good though… Shouldn’t have dropped as far as he did.



2) Bets

CASALI LIQUORS CUP
Stump the Skorupe 1-0
RI Colts 1-0
Ambulance Chasers 0-0
George 0-2


AL and MIKE’s WRs
-Who has the better wideouts? Decided by total points on the year
MIKE: 156
AL: 115.4


AL & GEORGE TOTAL POINTS
AL: 393.85
GY: 373.85


Im ashamed that the rest of you don’t have bets. If you DO bet, let me know and it can go here so we can all mock the loser.



3) Heroes

MOST POINTS BY A TEAM THIS WEEK
171.00 – Ambulance Chasers vs. Donkey Punchers


MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS WEEK
51.10 – Kevin Curtis vs. DET– John (RECORD)


MOST CUMULATIVE POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS YEAR
92.30 – Randy Moss - GY
88.40 –Brian Westbrook – Tom
87.40 – Chad Johnson - Vinny
85.70 – Tony Romo – Jay
85.15 – Tom Brady – Brad
83.75 – Carson Palmer – Rice
79.30 – TJ Hdffjdfhdsfzadeh – Joe
78.00 – Jon Kitna – Sweeney
73.00 – Derek Andeson - Terry

MOST POINTS BY A TEAM IN A SINGLE WEEK THIS YEAR
171.95 – Channel 4 News Team vs. Cincinnati Bowties (Week 2)
171.00 – Ambulance Chasers vs. Donkey Punchers (Week 3)
165.25 – RI Colts vs. Rookie (Week 3)
158.15 - Johnny Gay Rainbows vs. RI Colts (Week 1)
154.00 – Johnny Gay Rainbows vs. GY (Week 3)
150.10 - Cincinnati Bowties vs. Channel 4 News Team (Week 2)
147.70 – RI Colts vs. Johnny Gay Rainbows (Week 1)
139.75 – Donkey Punchers vs. Ambulance Chasers (Week 3)
139.20 – SK Warriors vs. GOODFELLAS (Week 3)
138.95 – Stump the Skorupe vs. GY (Week 1)


MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER IN A SINGLE WEEK THIS YEAR
51.10 – Kevin Curtis vs. DET (Week 3) – John
47.10 – Ronnie Brown vs. NYJ (Week 3) – Al
45.10 – Brian Westbrook vs. DET (Week3) - Tom
45.05 – Carson Palmer vs. CLE (Week 2) - Rice
44.40 - Plaxico Burress vs. DAL (Week 1) - Mike
44.10 – Anquan Boldin vs. BAL (Week 3) - Al
43.90 – Ocho Cinco vs. CLE (Week 2) - Vinny
41.30 – Steve Smith vs. HOU (Week 2) - Brad
40.35 - Tony Romo vs. NYG (Week 1) – Terry
35.75 – Donovan McNabb vs DET (Week 3) - Terry
35.40 – Roy Williams vs. PHI (Week 3) - Steve
34.60 – Braylon Edwards vs. CIN (Week 2) - Rice
33.30 - Randy Moss vs. NYJ (Week 1) – George
31.00 – Andre Johnson vs. CAR (Week 2) – John
30.90 – LaMont Jordan vs. DET (Week 1) – Tom


STAR OF THE WEEK (Worth an extra star)
Kevin Curtis (51.10)

TEAM STARS LEADERS (Most Stars at end of season = Fantasy MVP)
3 Randy Moss

2 Tom Brady
2 Plaxico Burress
2 Ocho Cinco
2 Kevin Curtis
2 Antonio Gates
2 TJ Houshmanzadeh
2 Edgerrin James
2 Jon Kitna
2 Terrell Owens
2 Carson Palmer
2 Brian Westbrook

1 Anquan Boldin
1 Ronnie Brown
1 Dallas Clark
1 Lav Coles
1 DeShaun Foster
1 Joey Galloway
1 Frank Gore
1 Todd Heap
1 Tavis Henry
1 Lamont Jordan
1 Andre Johnson
1 Joe Jurevicius
1 Jamal Lewis
1 Donovan McNabb
1 Steve Smith
1 LaDainian Tomlinson
1 Tony Romo
1 Reggie Wayne
1 Javon Walker
1 Jason Witten
1 Roy Williams


TEAM STARS FROM THE U THIS WEEK
N/A

TEAM STARS FROM THE U THIS YEAR
2 Edgerrin James
1 Reggie Wayne
1 Andre Johnson
1 Frank Gore

TEAM STARS FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND THIS WEEK
N/A

TEAM STARS FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND THIS YEAR
1 LaMont Jordan


4) Zeroes (Players who started and scored no points)

None. Umm… good work everybody.

5) Almost Heroes (WRs and RBs who did not start and scored 20+ points)

Vinny - Roddy White (25.70)
Terry – Marion Barber III (24.20)
Steve – Derrick Mason (21.90)
Rice – DAL (23.00)

6) Almost Zeroes (Players who started and scored few points – less than 15 FFP for a QB; less than 10 for a RB, less than 5 for a WR)

Joe – Jake Delhomme (13.55) INJURY
Al – Edge (7.70)
Al – Isaac Bruce (4.40) Not on him, but on Bulger w/ his two broken ribs
Al – Lee Evans (1.70) Broncos, Chargers, Patsies… Evans will bounce back…
Steve – Julius Jones (7.50)
Jay – Drew Carter (2.70)
Jay – Jamal Lewis (9.80)
John – Josh McCown (10.90)
GY – Drew Brees (12.15) He is a “drop,” Georgie
GY – Kevin Walter (3.70) Who?
Brad – Steve Smith (2.60)
Vinny – Javon Walker (3.00)
Vinny – Tatum Bell (9.50)
Pat – Devery Henderson (2.10) Jesus…
Pat – Frank Gore (7.10)
Mike – Ben Turdburglar (13.80)
Mike – Akman Green (3.60) INJURY
Rice – Hines Ward (1.90)
Rice – Rudi Johnson (5.20)
Rice – Ladell Betts (3.20)
Terry – Travis Henry (9.50)
Terry – MJD (7.50)
Ben – Larry Johnson (5.20)


7) Haiku of the Week

(enriching your lives through art)

Duece, S-Jax go down

Ambulance Chasers return
Philly loves Curtis

8) The Office Quote of the Week

Michael (reading Dwight’s complaints): “Somebody replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.” “Everyone has called me Dwayne all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.” “This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed a murder. I think he may be the real murderer.” “Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women’s room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.”

Michael (reading Dwight’s complaints): “Every time I typed my name, it said ‘Diapers.’” “By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.”
Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that’s how I spent my entire day that day.

Michael (reading Dwight’s complaint): “This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.”

Jim: That actually took awhile. I had to put uh more and more nickels into his handset, til he got used to the weight, and then I just … took them all out.

Odds to win CFFL Championship: Week 2

DISCLAIMER: Odds for informational purposes only

2-1 Gay Rainbows

5-1 Brown B-Rads

6-1 RI Colts

6-1 Stump the Skorupe

7-1 GOODFELLAS

7-1 Donkey Punchers

10-1 Cincinnati Bowties

12-1 Sweeney

12-1 Channel 4 News Team

15-1 Ambulance Chasers

20-1 Spank It Boyz

20-1 The G(a)Y

20-1 SK Warriors

20-1 Rookie

Odds will be updated weekly

WEEKLY REVIEW: WEEK 2

1) Matchups


JOHNNY GAY RAINBOWS vs. AMBULANCE CHASERS
Gay Rainbows win the “Doesn’t matter because your ass got eliminated from baseball playoffs bowl”
134.65 – 117.35
Team Stars
Rainbows: Andre Johnson vs. CAR (31.00)
Chasers: Edgerrin James (23.00)

John manages to beat me despite a respectable point total. Its good to have LT, people, let me tell you. Even if he doesn’t do a whole lot… you know, because the other team is recording the coaches calling plays. I tip my cap to Rossi, move on to another tough matchup in Week 3 and remember that the toughest part of my schedule is almost over. John is going to be awfully tough to beat this year, people. Of course, every team is paper thin this year and fantasy football is a war of attrition.

For the second week in a row Al loses to a team that got eliminated in fantasy baseball… weird. Even more weird is that the team I play in the World Series is the same team I’m facing in Football this week - The Donkey Fuckers. I don’t know if this is excellent news for my baseball team or terrible news for my football team… or both.

Oh and John, at least fantasy Pronk is golfing this week, bitch. Fantasy golfing…

BROWN B-RADS vs. DONKEY PUNCHERS
Brown B-Rads win “The Halfrican Cup”
131.15 – 125.50
Team Stars
B-Rads: Steve Smith vs. HOU (41.30)
DPers: TJ Whosoyomomma vs. CLE (26.90)

Steve Smith, people. Steve Smith. The gaudy point total doesn’t even tell you all you need to know. He actually broke many tackles and turned a short reception into a very long touchdown. Smith’s 40 points was easily the difference in this one, which Brad won by less than 6 points. Brad actually got two “almost zeroes” from his RBs too. Ouch.



SPANK IT BOYZ vs. SK WARRIORS
SK Warriors win the “All WR Bowl”
127.90 – 113.00
Team Stars
Boyz: Joe Jurevicius vs. CIN (20.40)
Warriors: Joey Galloway vs. NO (29.50)

I don’t care to figure out the percentages, but the WRs were the only players who scored anything on either team. Only three non – WRs scored double digits. It was a pretty absurd game. Just look at the team stars… what is that? What year is this?



GOODFELLAS vs. BAD NEWZ KENNELS
GOODFELLAS wins the “Please turn off your ‘Caps Lock’ Bowl”
138.35 – 96.15
Team Stars
Henry Hill: Jamal Lewis vs. CLE (27.50)
Kelly Leak: Frank Gore vs. STL (22.50)

And there you have it. Pat Sweeney, tough luck loser last year despite decent point totals is now the first team this year to score less than 100 points. Painful. Jay would have beat him anyway, but still… Good week for Jay to have two players in an NFL game in which the teams score almost 100 points combined.



CINCINNATI BOWTIES vs. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM
Maryland at College Park beats Loyola in the “Maryland Colleges Shootout”
171.95 – 150.10
Team Stars
Bowties: Ocho Cinco vs. CLE (43.90)
Channel 4: Carson Palmer vs. CLE (45.05)

Yikes. Speaking as someone who lost an equally nasty high scoring affair to Rice last year, I feel for you Vinny. These always suck. You score 150 points, your best WR goes for 45… and you lose anyway. Worse, the player you have that is going off this week is being thrown to by your opponent’s QB… ugh.



STUMP THE SKORUPE vs. ROOKIE
Stump the Skorupa wins the “Time to get new team names Bowl”
107.70 – 101.30
Team Stars
Stump: TO vs. MIA (21.20)
Ben: Todd Heap vs. NYJ (20.60)

No, seriously guys. Change your team names. I guess Mike’s will make more sense when I win two more baseball titles. Then when someone asks him he can say the guy he named his team for has won 4 of the last 6 leagues we played in(and is probably going to win football this year too – miraculous comeback – you heard it here first!). Ben, seriously, come up with a new name for chrissakes. Shouldn’t it at least be “The Rookies” or something?

What a thoroughly boring game this was. Lots of players scored in the teens, both teams scored just above 100 points. Only two guys broke 20 points, one on each team. Yawn. Mediocrity/Parity at its best/worst.

Seriously though Ben, you have one week to come up with a new name.



RI COLTS vs. THE G(A)Y
RI Colts win the “Tuesday Nights at the Liquor Store Bowl”
136.70 – 130.70
Team Stars
RI Colts: Brian Westbrook vs. WAS (24.20)
The G(a)Y: Randy Moss vs. SD (30.50)

Tom gets his first win in Casali Liquors Cup competition and Gyorgy falls to the brink of elimination. Close game that came down to RBs on MNF. My money was on Westbrook and he came through. Actually my money was on Philly and the under and Philly fucked me. Two Brad colored QBs… I figured the under was a lock. Ummm… Randy Moss looks unstoppable, not that he was facing a tough secondary this week.



2) Bets

CASALI LIQUORS CUP
Stump the Skorupe 1-0
RI Colts 1-0
Ambulance Chasers 0-0
George 0-2



3) Heroes

MOST POINTS BY A TEAM THIS WEEK
171.95 – Channel 4 News Team vs. Cincinnati Bowties (RECORD)


MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS WEEK
45.05 – Carson Palmer vs. CLE – Rice (RECORD)


MOST CUMULATIVE POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS YEAR
66.30 – Steve Smith – Brad
64.60 – Ocho Cinco – Vinny
63.80 – Randy Moss – GY
62.75 - Carson Palmer – Rice
61.25 – Tony Romo – Jay
58.20 – Andre Johnson – John
53.40 – Tom Brady – Brad
51.90 - Jake Delhomme – Joe
51.60 - Plaxico Burress – Mike
47.60 – Jon Kitna - Pat


MOST POINTS BY A TEAM IN A SINGLE WEEK THIS YEAR
171.95 – Channel 4 News Team vs. Cincinnati Bowties
158.15 - Johnny Gay Rainbows vs. RI Colts (Week 1)
150.10 - Cincinnati Bowties vs. Channel 4 News Team
147.70 – RI Colts vs. Johnny Gay Rainbows (Week 1)
138.95 – Stump the Skorupe vs. GY (Week 1)


MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER IN A SINGLE WEEK THIS YEAR
45.05 – Carson Palmer vs. CLE (Week 2)- Rice
44.40 - Plaxico Burress vs. DAL (Week 1)- Mike
43.90 – Ocho Cinco vs. CLE (Week 2) - Vinny
41.30 – Steve Smith vs. HOU (Week 2) - Brad
40.35 - Tony Romo vs. NYG (Week 1) – Terry
34.60 – Braylon Edwards vs. CIN (Week 2) - Rice
33.30 - Randy Moss vs. NYJ (Week 1) – George
31.00 – Andre Johnson vs. CAR (Week 2) – John
30.90 – LaMont Jordan vs. DET (Week 1) – Tom
30.50 – Reggie Wayne vs. NO (Week 1) – Steve
30.50 – Randy Moss vs. SD (Week 2) - GY


STAR OF THE WEEK (Worth an extra star)
Carson Palmer vs. CLE (45.05) - Rice


TEAM STARS LEADERS (Most Stars at end of season = Fantasy MVP)
2 Carson Palmer
2 Plaxico Burress
2 Edgerrin James
2 Randy Moss
1 Tony Romo
1 Lav Coles
1 Reggie Wayne
1 Javon Walker
1 Tom Brady
1 Jason Witten
1 Antonio Gates
1 Jon Kitna
1 Tavis Henry
1 LaDainian Tomlinson
1 Lamont Jordan
1 Andre Johnson
1 Steve Smith
1 TJ Houshmanzadeh
1 Ocho Cinco
1 Joe Jurevicius
1 Joey Galloway
1 Jamal Lewis
1 Frank Gore
1 Terrell Owens
1 Todd Heap
1 Brian Westbrook



TEAM STARS FROM THE U THIS WEEK
Andre Johnson
Edgerrin James
Frank Gore

TEAM STARS FROM THE U THIS YEAR
2 Edgerrin James
1 Reggie Wayne
1 Andre Johnson
1 Frank Gore

TEAM STARS FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND THIS WEEK
N/A

TEAM STARS FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND THIS YEAR
1 LaMont Jordan


4) Zeroes (Players who started and scored no points)

Pat – Devery Henderson
GY – Patrick Crayton (Dolphins, baby)

5) Almost Heroes (WRs and RBs who did not start and scored 20+ points)

Terry – Marion Barber III (Wow… so I guess everyone is getting really good at fantasy football… this kind of sucks.)

6) Almost Zeroes (Players who started and scored few points – less than 15 FFP for a QB; less than 10 for a RB, less than 5 for a WR)

Al – Lee Evans
Al – Brandon Jackson
John – LaDainian Tomlinson (Yes, it kills me to lose to Rossi in a week where LT has a bad start… please remember the Rainbows still put up 134 points…)
Brad – Larry Maroney
Brad – Marshawn Lynch
Vinny – Tatum Bell
Rice – Mark Clayton
Rice – Ladell Betts
Terry – Donovan McNabb
Terry – MJD
Steve – Alex Smith
Steve – Julius Jones
Jay – Michael Jenkins (Please stop starting him)
Ben – Rex Grossman (Had to play him due to a Chad Pennington injury. I would slit my wrists if I had to play these two QBs all year. That’s a nightmare. Chad would do fine scoring wise and was actually a bit of a value where Ben took him, but jeez… Looking each week and having to decide whether to start Grossman or Pennington… just threw up in my mouth)
Ben - Reggie Brown
Ben - DeShaun Foster


7) Haiku of the Week

Browns and Bengals, Wow!
How did I lose Survivor
on such a crap-fest?

That’s right folks… poetry using the word “crap-fest”… what other fantasy sports team website gives you that?

8) "The Office" Quote of the Week

Dwight Schrute: "Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years... which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique; it's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of 4 until my 6th birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna."

MANAGER OF THE YEAR RACE: WEEK 2

MANAGER OF THE YEAR

This is a new feature. Ive decided on a scoring system based on weekly performance to determine the manager of the year. Things such as Zeroes or your player going for 50 points will earn you manager points. The player with the most of these arbitrarily decided points at the end of the year will be declared "manager of the year." Feel free to double check me, but as points can be randomly awared you should 1) phrase the email nicely; and 2) assume I ignored it on purpose because I hate you.

The Scoring System:

• Plus 10 points for most team points in a week
• Plus 10 points for star of the week
• Minus 5 points for a Zero
• Minus 1 point for an Almost Zero
• Minus 3 points for an Almost Hero
• Plus 1 point for scoring 130+ points
• Plus 2 points for 140+
• Plus 5 points for 150+
• Plus 10 points for 175+
• Plus 20 points for 200+
• Minus 5 points for scoring less than 80 points
• Minus 10 points for scoring less than 70 points
• Minus 15 points for scoring less than 60 points
• Plus 5 points for a player on your team scoring 40+ points
• Plus 10 points for a player on your team scoring 50+ points

STANDINGS

1. RICE 24
2. JOHN 14 (TIE)
3. MIKE 14 (TIE)
4. JAY 4
5. BRAD 3
6. VINNY 0
7. JOE -1
8. TOM -2
9. AL -3
10. BEN -5 (TIE)
11. GY -5 (TIE)
12. STEVE -5 (TIE)
13. PAT -7
14. TERRY -12

The Ambulance Chasers are going back to the World Series!!!! Both of them!!!

The Ambulance Chasers have rewarded their fans yet again with trips to the World Series in both Cranston Fantasy Baseball League and Casali Fantasy Baseball League. Both League Championship Series went down to the wire but the Ambulance Chasers were able to squeak out victories and advance to the World Series. The team is defending champions in each league and experts believe they have an excellent chance of defending their titles.

"Its just gratifying to be able to compete for a World Championship every year" said David Ortiz. The celebration went long into the night and fans gathered together in the streets. The celebrations turned nasty though when fans couldn't agree which Ambulance Chaser team was better. One of the celebrating fans, David Wallace, explained the violence.

"This idiot claimed the Casali League team had better pitching and everyone knows the CFBL team's pitching is much better. Then some jackass said the Ambulance Chasers CFFL Football team would kick either baseball team's ass. Bam! Suddenly everyone was punching each other."

During the ensuing riots vandals set 74 cars on fire and one bicycle.

The CFBL team barely scraped by the Johnny Gay Rainbows. The series was a close one, and remained unsettled late into Sunday night. A Curt Schilling pitch landed in the Green Monster Seats that ended the Gay Rainbows season. The Gay Rainbows and their super gay fans can take some solace in their likely victory over the Ambulance Chasers CFFL team. Barring severe injuries to Santana Moss and Kevin Curtis prior to entering the stadium the Gay Rainbows will have managed to steal one this week. Allegations of cheating and gayness have not been confirmed.

The Casali League Series was less dramatic, as the Ambulance Chasers had a substantial lead most of the week. The RI Colts did close in at the end and managed to make a series out of it. Sadly, their efforts fell short, leaving fans depressed in... presumably Rhode Island and Indiana. "The Ambulance Chasers own us... O - A - N" said drunken (and smelly) RI Colts fan Cooper Manning.

The CFBL team faces the Donkey Punchers, who finished with the second best record in the regular season. The Casali League team faces "Dodd's team." Both series begin tommorow night. One thing is certain: win or lose, this website will see at least two more banners hanging and possibly two trophies...

There will be a pep rally tommorow (Monday 9/17) at 11am.

POPE BLESSES AMBULANCE CHASERS

ROME(AP) - In an unprecedented public endorsement of a sports team, Pope Benedict today expressed his disgust with all the other CFFL teams. "Theyre a pack of cheaters and perverts" said his Holiness. "It is clear to me that it is the Lord's will that the Ambulance Chasers shall win every fantasy league from now until the end of days" he added. The Holy Father expressed his disgust with some of the team names in particular. "Did you know that one of these sodomizers actually named his fantasy team the 'Gay Rainbows'?" said the Pope, shaking his head in revulsion. "Its an abomination in the eyes of God."

Pope Benedict added that the prayers of every single Catholic in the world are with the Ambulance Chasers as they march towards their 4th Championship. He then remarked that most Muslims are actually fans of the "Channel 4 News Team" or the "Spank It Boys." The Holy Father ended his Sunday sermon by suggesting that every Catholic devote two hours of prayer and meditation each week to the Ambulance Chaser cause. The Pope surprisingly suggested that Catholic women should make themselves sexually available to Ambulance Chasers Team Officials in order to help the officials deal with the stress of managing such an incredible franchise.

Odds to Win the CFFL Championship

Opening Odds

DISCLAIMER: Odds for informational purposes only

4-1 Johnny Gay Rainbows
5-1 Ambulance Chasers

7-1 Donkey Punchers
7-1 The Brown B-Rads

10-1 RI Colts
10-1 Stump The Skorupe
11-1 Channel 4 News Team

12-1 Team GY
13-1 Cincinnati Bowties
15-1 BAD NEWZ KENNELS

18-1 Rookie
20-1 THE GOODFELLAS
20-1 Spank It Boyz

30-1 SK Warriors


Odds will be updated weekly

WEEKLY REVIEW: WEEK 1

1) Matchups

BROWN B-RADS vs. AMBULANCE CHASERS
The Dirty Puerto Ricans win the “Puerto Rico Sucks Bowl”
130.75 – 106.10
Team Stars
B-Rads: Tom Brady vs. NYJ (27.25)
Chasers: Edgerrin James (19.20)

Brad is a cheater and you all know it. Hasselbeck sucked, My kicker was lost for the year during pregame stretches, Lee Evans had Champ Bailey so tight you could see his nipples through him. I guess Brad needed the victory considering his poor excuse for a baseball team getting sent home for the season this week. Seriously, though, the reason I lost is simple. I played this idiot and “Team Patriots” in a week when the douchebag Patriots had to steal signals and drop 38 fucking points on the J-E-T-S-S-U-C-K-S.

At least fantasy Vlad is golfing this week, bitch. Fantasy golfing…

CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM vs. DONKEY PUNCHERS
DPers wins the “Afternoon Delight Bowl”
129.85 – 104.80
Team Stars
DPers: Jason Witten vs. NYG (23.60)
I’m Ron Burgundy?: Antonio Gates vs. CHI (25.70)

The two TEs in this game each exceeded 23 points… what the fuck is that? It will take me like three more weeks for my TE to exceed that total for the season… and I have a top 3 TE(Tony G). I see my fantasy knowledge has been absorbed by Joe. Apparently he’s picked up enough from just hanging around me to beat Rice so badly he has detached retinas. Well done, grasshopper. Also, this disproves my theory that fantasy knowledge may only be gained by eating the brains of your opponent. My apologies to the families of my victims.

SK WARRIORS vs. CINCINNATI BOWTIES
BOWTIES wins the “Andy Bernard Bowl” (Strange new guy… get it?)
109.40 – 100.50
Team Stars
SK Warriors: Reggie Wayne vs. NO (30.50)
Bowties: Javon Walker vs. BUF (20.90)

Welcome to the league, rook. Typically you won’t win scoring only 100 points, so you really have nothing to bitch about here. Also, its usually not good if both of your RBs and your QB qualify for the “Almost Zeroes” column.


POOR MICHAEL VICK REFERENCE vs. SPANK IT BOYZ
Sweeney wins the “World Poker Tour Toilet Bowl”
104.65 – 100.40
Team StarsPat: Jon Kitna vs. OAK (28.15)
Spank it: Travis Henry vs. BUF (21.30)

Its great when you can look down and see at least one game where you could have beaten either pathetic team. There should be a rule that unless you score 105 both teams should get a loss.


ROOKIE vs. THE GOODFELLAS
GOODFELLAS Win the “Ben loses his Virginity Bowl”
135.45 – 113.45
Team Stars
Goodfellas: Tony Romo vs. NYG (40.35)
Rookie: Lav Coles vs. NE (24.90)

Ben breaks his cherry and Brandon Jacobs breaks his MCL(okay sprains, but whatever). Jay takes advantage of an insane performance by Tony Romo that was essentially the difference here. In other news, Jamal Lewis is terrible.


GEORGE’S MOM IS HOT vs. STUMP THE SKORUPE
Stump wins the “Liquor Store Bowl I”
138.95 – 109.20
Team Stars
Stump: Plaxico Burress vs. DAL (40.40)
GY: Randy Moss vs. NYJ (33.30)

Mike gets redemption for all those Giants players screwing him last year. Mike is the only team to get a win in Casali Liquors Cup Competition and quickly jumps into 1st place. Must be nice to get 40 points from your WR2.


JOHNNY GAY RAINBOWS vs. RI COLTS
Rainbows win the “4 OT Basketball Game Score Bowl”
158.15 – 147.70
Team Stars
Gays: LT vs. CHI (25.45)
RI Colts: LaMont Jordan vs. DET (30.90)

Ok, what wins fantasy football games? RBs. What did the 4 running backs do in this game? 19.10; 30.90; 25.45; and 23.30. Sick. Strangely enough the difference in this game was really that John’s defense dropped 34 points. Ironically, Tom is the one who has Da Bears. Weird game. Too early in the season to really appreciate what a mess this one was.


2) Bets

CASALI LIQUORS CUP
Stump the Skorupe 1-0
RI Colts 0-0
Ambulance Chasers 0-0
George 0-1

3) Heroes

MOST POINTS BY A TEAM THIS WEEK
158.15 - Johnny Gay Rainbows vs. RI Colts


MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS WEEK
44.40 - Plaxico Burress vs. DAL - Mike


MOST CUMULATIVE POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS YEAR
44.40 - Plaxico Burress vs. DAL - Mike

40.35 - Tony Romo vs. NYG (Week 1) – Terry

33.30 - Randy Moss vs. NYJ (Week 1) – George

30.90 – LaMont Jordan vs. DET (Week 1) – Tom

30.50 – Reggie Wayne vs. NO (Week 1) - Steve


MOST POINTS BY A TEAM IN A SINGLE WEEK THIS YEAR
158.15 - Johnny Gay Rainbows vs. RI Colts (Week 1)
147.70 – RI Colts vs. Johnny Gay Rainbows (Week 1)
138.95 – Stump the Skorupe vs. GY (Week 1)
134.45 – Goodfellas vs. Rookie (Week 1)
130.75 – Brown B-Rads (Week 1)


MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER IN A SINGLE WEEK THIS YEAR
44.40 - Plaxico Burress vs. DAL (Week 1)- Mike
40.35 - Tony Romo vs. NYG (Week 1) – Terry
33.30 - Randy Moss vs. NYJ (Week 1) – George
30.90 – LaMont Jordan vs. DET (Week 1) – Tom
30.50 – Reggie Wayne vs. NO (Week 1) - Steve


STAR OF THE WEEK (Worth an extra star)
44.40 - Plaxico Burress vs. DAL - Mike


STARS LEADERS (Most Stars at end of season = Fantasy MVP)
2 Plaxico Burress
1 Tony Romo
1 Lav Coles
1 Reggie Wayne
1 Javon Walker
1 Tom Brady
1 Edgerrin James
1 Jason Witten
1 Antonio Gates
1 Jon Kitna
1 Tavis Henry
1 Randy Moss
1 LaDainian Tomlinson
1 LaMont Jordan


TEAM STARS FROM THE U
1 Reggie Wayne
1 Edgerrin James


TEAM STARS FROM THE

UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND

1 LaMont Jordan

4) Zeroes (Players who started and scored no points)

Vinny – WR Matt Jones vs. TEN
Rice – WR Michael Clayton vs. BAL (I’ll admit, I double checked to make sure this wasn’t Mark Clayton… it wasn’t)
Terry – WR Deion Branch vs. TB (Where the hell did this come from? DJ Hackett was hurt too. I don’t get it)


5) Almost Heroes (Players who did not start and scored 20+ points)

Jay – QB Jay Cutler vs. BUF: 21.00
Vinny – WR Antwaan Randle-El vs. MIA: 21.20
Al – QB Elijah Manning vs. DAL: 31.80
Joe – QB Jake Delhomme vs. STL: 23.25
Tom – RB Derrick Ward vs. DAL: 21.60 (INJURY)


6) Almost Zeroes (Players who started and scored few points - Less than 15 for QB, 10 for RB, 5 for WR)

Al – WR Lee Evans vs. BUF: 2.50 (Thanks Champ Bailey)
Brad – WR Donte Stallworth vs. NYJ: 2.90 (How can he be starting this guy?)
Brad – RB Larry Maroney vs. NYJ: 7.20 (This is the best he could do when his team scored 38??)
Vinny – QB Vince Young vs. JAX: 12.10
Steve - QB Phillips Rivers vs. CHI: 9.50
Steve - RB Reggie Bush vs. IND: 8.5o
Steve - RB Julius Jones vs. NYG: 8.70
Jay - WR Michael Jenkins vs. MIN: 3.30
Jay - RB Jamal Lewis vs. PIT: 6.60
Ben – WR Reggie Brown vs. GB: 2.40
Ben – RB Brandon Jacobs vs. DAL: 2.60 (INJURY)
Joe – RB Duece McAllister vs. IND: 6.50 (Played him over Benson, who also sucked)
Rice – RB Thomas Jones vs. NE: 5.80
Terry – WR Joe Jurevicius vs. PIT: 4.80
Terry – RB MJD vs. TEN: 9.00
Pat – WR DJ Hackett vs. TB: 1.70 (INJURY)
Pat – RB Cadillac Williams vs. SEA: 9.40 (INJURY)
Mike – WR Eddie Kennison vs. HOU: 0.50 (He actually got these points from RUSHING 5 yards… pathetic.)
Mike – RB Steven Jackson vs. CAR: 7.10 (Steven Jackson gets 7 points and his WR3 gets 0.05 and he still dropped nearly 140.)
GY – QB Drew Brees vs. IND: 11.20 (He singlehandedly killed the fantasy value of every Saints player this week. I blame the mole.)
John - QB Matt Leinart vs. SF: 12.60


7) Haiku of the Week

Plaxico goes off
Lots of early injuries
The fourteenth pick sucks


8) The Office Quote of the Week

Michael Scott: Would I rather be feared or loved? Um... Easy - both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.