1) Matchups
AMBULANCE CHASERS vs. THE SPANK IT BOYZ
Ambulance Chasers win the "Columbus Day Massacre"
121.10 – 74.50
Team Stars
Chasers: Ronnie Brown (26.30)
Boyz: NONE (That is it! If you score under 80 points and no one on your team has 16 points then NO ONE IS GETTING A TEAM STAR. Im not giving it to Matt Schaub and his 15.30 points and Im certainly not giving it to Marion Barber and his 13.30. No one deserves a team star, and its really not a team accomplishment anyway.)
Awesomeness. Tradition. Dominance. That is the Ambulance Chaser way. Finally with a winning record for the year. Ronnie Brown is running wild and has the Browns next week. Looking good. Put me down for a playoff spot, and if I beat two of the trio of Jay, Tom, and Mike then I’m probably getting a bye. Tough schedule coming up next three weeks, but after that its clear sailing.
Terry, I really want to just remove you from the Manager of the Year rankings but I have a feeling that I need to keep you on there for humorous effect… your score is going to be just stupid by the end of the year.
THE BROWN B-RADS vs. THE GOODFELLAS
The B-Rads win the “Andoscia Brothers Twin Killing Bowl”
117.35 – 70.35
Team Stars
B-Rads: Ben Watson (29.80)
FELLAS: Tony Romo (24.15)
For the second week in a row Brad faces an opponent that scores only 70 points. For the second week in a row Brad wins. For the second week in a row Brad will be bitching that Ive treated him unfairly in the odds article. Yawn.
One thing that sucks for Brad is Watson getting his team star this week, because you have to believe Brady has a decent chance at Fantasy MVP. Hey, at least Randy Moss didn’t get any more stars this week.
Jay should probably change his team name to “Team Tony Romo.” How the hell did he put up 24 points? I just watched that game and he was absolutely terrible. He did everything he could to try and lose to the Bills.
DONKEY PUNCHERS vs. CINCINNATI BOWTIES
Punchers win the "Congratulations Vinny and Brenda Bowl”118.35 – 113.75
Team Stars
Punchers: Kenton Keith (32.80) and Jason Witten (25.30)
Bowties: Willis McGahee (20.60)
This game had an incredible finish. Joe was trailing by 20 points going into MNF. Vinny was all done but Joe still had Jason Witten left. Witten started off the game with a bang and caught a ridiculous TD. Joe had pulled within 3 points when Tony Romo decided to do his best Drew Bledsoe impression. Cowboys era Bledsoe. So it doesn’t look like Witten is going to get another catch… we’re in the fourth quarter and the Cowboys turn the ball over a couple times where it looks like the Bills will be able to run down the clock. Bam! Minute left they get it back and on the last drive they manage to get Witten the ball three or so more times. Joe pulls out the victory. That’s why Witten gets a star.
Another strange thing is that this was the highest scoring game of the week. It was like every team decided they were going to reign in the offenses this week. Consider yourself very lucky if you managed to get a win this week.
STUMP THE SKORUPE vs CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAMRice wins the “TO screwed the pooch Bowl”
119.60 – 110.50
Team Stars
Stump: Plaxico Burress (23.40)
I’m Ron Burgundy?: Antonio Gates (24.30)
Okay, so back to that Monday night game… Same situation here. Rice all done with a lead. Mike down 13 points with just TO left. Now, the smart money would have been TO coming through and Witten falling short… but TO couldn’t seal the deal. 4.50 points for Mr. Owens. A number of drops and a really crappy effort on a critical two point conversion. Last week Owens only had 6 points as well. What’s going on in Dallas? Romo’s fault most likely.
Figures too, I had just about left Rice’s team for dead and he nearly had the highest point total this week.
RI COLTS vs. SK WARRIORS
Warriors win the “I cant come up with a name Bowl”
123.10 -88.55
Team Stars
Colts: Peyton Manning (20.65)
Warriors: Reggie Bush (20.90)
Ouch. The Colts lay up a stinker here. Bye week issues hurt. Im still surprised by Steve’s team, but you cant argue with this success. Heck. He’s 3 wins from a playoff spot most likely.
Tom has been as unlucky as anyone. The league leader in points now has a losing record. It probably wont last, but the top teams have to be glad for now.
THE BEASTS vs. BAD NEWZ KENNELZ
Beasts win the “George gets in the Win Column Bowl”
99.50 – 84.30
Team Stars
Beasts: Patrick Crayton (19.30)
Kennelz: Larry Fitzgerald (28.60)
George finally gets a well deserved win. Its kind of amazing how quickly George and Ben don’t look like the worst teams in the league anymore despite their awful starts.
Id like to knock Pat’s team more, but every single one of us would have taken Frank Gore there, or at the very least one spot later… Probably could have won here too, except for a terrible performance from Jon Kitna, who has been his MVP so far.
That sound you hear is Randy Moss and FWP falling back to Earth…
STRATEGO vs. JOHNNY GAY RAINBOWSStratosphere wins the “What the hell happened to my QB’s???? Bowl”
101.15 – 98.15
Team Stars
Strat: Big Play Torry Holt (21.90)
JGR: LT (17.00)
Ok, so lets face facts. LT is no longer LT. He’s still the best RB in fantasy football and would still be the number one overall pick, but the days of three TDs every week are over… thanks to Norv Turner.
Ouch, Johnny, ouch. No A-Pete for one week and youre fucking losing to Ben. I don’t think I want to know what its like to have to choose between Joey Harrington and Daunte Culpepper at QB. What are you? The 2006 Dolphins? Newsflash, buddy, THEY SUCKED! Well, youre coming very close to squandering the first overall pick with a shitty supporting cast. To be fair, 98 points wasn’t that bad and your top two WRs were hurt, but shit… you put Ben right back in this thing.
Speaking of which, congratulations to Ben. The rest of the league thanks you for beating John. Seriously folks, is this league wide open or what?
2) Bets
CASALI LIQUORS CUP
Stump the Skorupe 1-0
RI Colts 1-0
Ambulance Chasers 0-0
George 0-2
AL and MIKE’s WRs
-Who has the better wideouts? Decided by total points on the year
MIKE: 228.1
AL: 167.1
FUCK. This one is over. Thanks, Lee Evans, you piece of shit.
AL & GEORGE TOTAL POINTS
AL: 652.80
GY: 564.1
SWEET… almost a week’s worth of points ahead of George.
PAT & TERRY BETTER RECORD
PAT: 2-3
TERRY: 1-4
JOHN, BRAD, JOE: You should all be fucking ashamed of yourselves for not making a side bet yet. Consider this an official warning.
3) Heroes
MOST POINTS BY A TEAM THIS WEEK
123.10 - SK Warriors vs. RI Colts
MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS WEEK
32.80 – Kenton Keith – Donkey Punchers
MOST CUMULATIVE POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS YEAR
147.20 – Tony Romo – Jay
133.75 – Tom Brady – Brad
131.10 – Randy Moss - GY
128.20 – Ronnie Brown – Al
114.25 – Derek Anderson – Terry
112.35 – Brett Favre – Jay
111.95 – Peyton Manning – Tom
107.00 – Plaxico Burress – Mike
106.90 – Antonio Gates – Rice
105.20 – TJ Houshmafjdfhajfhergdhshgdsjdeh - Joe
MOST POINTS BY A TEAM IN A SINGLE WEEK THIS YEAR
171.95 – Channel 4 News Team vs. Cincinnati Bowties (Wk 2)
171.00 – Ambulance Chasers vs. Donkey Punchers (Week 3)
165.25 – RI Colts vs. Rookie (Week 3)
158.15 - Johnny Gay Rainbows vs. RI Colts (Week 1)
154.00 – Johnny Gay Rainbows vs. GY (Week 3)
150.10 - Cincinnati Bowties vs. Channel 4 News Team (Wk 2)
149.20 – Donkey Punchers vs. Johnny Gay Rainbows (Wk 4)
147.70 – RI Colts vs. Johnny Gay Rainbows (Week 1)
139.75 – Donkey Punchers vs. Ambulance Chasers (Wk 3)
139.20 – SK Warriors vs. GOODFELLAS (Week 3)
MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER IN A SINGLE WEEK THIS YEAR
51.10 – Kevin Curtis vs. DET (Week 3) – John
47.10 – Ronnie Brown vs. NYJ (Week 3) – Al
45.10 – Brian Westbrook vs. DET (Week3) - Tom
45.05 – Carson Palmer vs. CLE (Week 2) - Rice
44.40 - Plaxico Burress vs. DAL (Week 1) - Mike
44.10 – Anquan Boldin vs. BAL (Week 3) - Al
43.90 – Ocho Cinco vs. CLE (Week 2) - Vinny
41.30 – Steve Smith vs. HOU (Week 2) - Brad
40.35 - Tony Romo vs. NYG (Week 1) – Terry
37.35 – Tony Romo vs. STL (Week 4) – Jay
35.75 – Donovan McNabb vs DET (Week 3) - Terry
35.40 – Roy Williams vs. PHI (Week 3) - Steve
34.60 – Braylon Edwards vs. CIN (Week 2) - Rice
33.30 - Randy Moss vs. NYJ (Week 1) – George
32.80 – Kenton Keith vs. TB (Week 5) - Joe
32.70 – Ronnie Brown vs. OAK (Week 4) - Al
32.55 – Daunte Culpepper vs. MIA (Week 4) – John
31.20 – Randy Moss vs. CIN (Week 4) - George
31.00 – Andre Johnson vs. CAR (Week 2) – John
30.90 – LaMont Jordan vs. DET (Week 1) – Tom
STAR OF THE WEEK (Worth an extra star)
Alright… couldn’t give it straight up to backup RB, so I decided on a three way split. Kenton Keith for scoring the most points, Ronnie Brown for scoring the second most points – and for doing that for the third week straight, and Ben Watson because he was third in scoring and 30 points from a TE is ridiculous. So:
Kenton Keith vs. TB
Ronnie Brown vs. HOU
Ben Watson vs. CLE
TEAM STARS LEADERS (Most Stars at end of season = Fantasy MVP)
4 Ronnie Brown
4 Randy Moss
4 Tony Romo
3 Tom Brady
3 Plaxico Burress
3 Antonio Gates
2 Ocho Cinco
2 Lav Coles
2 Kevin Curtis
2 TJ Houshmanzadeh
2 Edgerrin James
2 Kenton Keith
2 Jon Kitna
2 Peyton Manning
2 Willis McGahee
2 Terrell Owens
2 Carson Palmer
2 LaDainian Tomlinson
2 Ben Watson
2 Reggie Wayne
2 Brian Westbrook
2 Jason Witten
1 Anquan Boldin
1 Deion Branch
1 Dwayne Bowe
1 Reggie Bush
1 Dallas Clark
1 Daunte Culpepper
1 Patrick Crayton
1 Braylon Edwards
1 Larry Fitzgerald
1 DeShaun Foster
1 Joey Galloway
1 Frank Gore
1 Todd Heap
1 Tavis Henry
1 Torry Holt
1 Santonio Holmes
1 Lamont Jordan
1 Andre Johnson
1 Joe Jurevicius
1 Jamal Lewis
1 Donovan McNabb
1 Ben Roethlisberger
1 Steve Smith
1 Javon Walker
1 Roy Williams
TEAM STARS FROM THE U THIS WEEK
Willis McGahee
TEAM STARS FROM THE U THIS YEAR
2 Edgerrin James
2 Willis McGahee
2 Reggie Wayne
1 Andre Johnson
1 Frank Gore
TEAM STARS FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND THIS WEEK
N/A
TEAM STARS FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND THIS YEAR
1 LaMont Jordan
4) Zeroes (Players who started and scored no points)
Joe – Santonio Holmes
Ben – Todd Heap
5) Almost Heroes (WRs and RBs who did not start and scored 20+ points)
Terry – Mojo Drew
George – Najeh Davenport
John – Michael Turner
6) Almost Zeroes (Players who started and scored few points – less than 15 FFP for a QB; less than 10 for a RB, less than 5 for a WR)
Ben – Larry Johnson (6.50)
Ben – DeShaun Foster (5.90)
John – Joey Harrington (4.35)
John – Jerious Norwood (4.70)
GY – Drew Brees (12.60)
Pat – Jon Kitna (5.60)
Pat – Bernard Berrian (2.00) INJURY
Pat – DeAngelo Williams (2.30)
Tom- Fred Taylor (7.00)
Tom – Kevin Jones (8.50)
Steve – Trent Edwards (9.40)
Mike – Ben Roethlisajhfkdsjfhgger (14.40)
Mike – TO (4.50)
Mike – Lendale White (3.20)
Rice – Mike Furrey (2.40)
Rice – Thomas Jones (7.00)
Rice – Ladell Betts (5.00)
Joe – David Carr (10.55)
Joe – Moose Muhammed (2.70)
Vinny – Vince Young (10.55)
Vinny – Warrick Dunn (5.90)
Brad – Darrell Jackson (2.60)
Jay – Ocho Cinco (1.30)
Jay – Bobby Engram (4.50)
Jay – Michael Jenkins (1.20) All THREE WRs? Wow…
Jay – Shaun Alexander (6.20)
Jay – Jamal Lewis (1.10) INJURY – HOLY SHIT, ALL 3 WRs AND BOTH RBS????
Al – Lee Evans (2.20)
Terry – Deion Branch (3.40) INJURY
Terry – Chris Chambers (3.90)
Terry – Joe Jurevicius (2.70) THE ANDOSCIA BROTHERS started SIX WRs this week…. SIX ALMOST ZEROES. Jesus. Did you guys get drunk and gang rape a gypsy? What the hell?
Terry – Travis Henry (6.50)
7) Haiku of the Week
League-wide scoring down
The standings are tightly packed
Rainbows get shot down!
8) The Office Quote of the Week
Michael Scott: Kelly, you're Hindu so... you believe in Buddha.
Kelly: That's Buddhists.
Michael Scott: Umm.. Are you sure?
Kelly: No.
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