WEEKLY REVIEW: WEEK 3

1) Matchups


AMBULANCE CHASERS vs. DONKEY PUNCHERS
Ambulance Chasers win the “Surprise 1-2 teams Bowl”
171.00 – 139.75
Team Stars
Punchers: T.J. Hsgmshdsfjhdsfzadeh (32.40)
Chasers: Anquan Boldin (44.10) & Ronnie Brown (47.10)

Owned. Poor Joe… averaging 131.7 points per game and sits at 1-2 with John up next. Strangely, I am also averaging 131.28 points and am 1-2. Joe is third in the league in total points and I am fourth. Why, you ask? Tough early schedule. I think Ive played three playoff teams. Mike, on the other hand is 3-0 despite scoring 30+ less total points than me or Joe. I blame the schedule makers(READ: Brad).

Our fantasy baseball world series match is tied 5-5 presently, though I would have the tiebreaker in ERA. One week to go… (before Jeter hits the fantasy links).

GOODFELLAS vs. SK WARRIORS
SK Warriors win the “Surprise 2-1 teams Bowl”
139.20 – 93.30
Team Stars
Fellas: Dallas Clark (15.80)
Warriors: Roy Williams (35.40)

Way to invite someone who’s apparently not retarded into the league, Brad. Terry: keep up the good work. I really want to rip these teams, but they both have better records than me, although I have a good amount of points over them both.



JOHNNY GAY RAINBOWS vs. TEAM GY
Rainbows win the “Kevin Curtis Bowl”
154.00 – 133.95
Team Stars
Rainbows: Kevin Curtis (51.10)
GY: Randy Moss (28.50)

Kevin Curtis. I thought about trading for him. Loved him at the draft. I even asked John about his availability on Saturday night when he was bitching about having to start him. I got very drunk and then poof! It was Sunday afternoon and Curtis had 200 yards by halftime.

George posts a decent point total here, but never had a chance to beat John. Especially on Monday. I think we can all agree Drew Brees was NEVER going to throw 5 TDs on MNF. He nearly threw 5 INTS, though, but unless our scoring system has changed drastically…

BROWN B-RADS vs. CINCINNATI BOWTIES
Bowties win the “Really close Bowl”
102.70 – 102.15
Team Stars
Spics: Tom Brady (31.75)
Bowties: Ocho Cinco (22.80)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… well done, Vinny.

I am NOT looking forward to having to watch Ocho Cinco on Monday next week when I play Vinny.

As for Brad – you fucking tool. How can the Patriots – of which your entire team is Patriots – score 38 points three weeks in a row and I still have 30 more points than you???? Is this possible? We may have seen the Brown B-Rads’ best already…



STUMP THE SKORUPE vs. BAD NEWZ KENNELZ
Stump wins the “Two guys with bad smack talk about me – oh wait, I didn’t go 0-3, you D-Bags - Bowl”
122.70 – 93.70
Team Stars
Stump: Terrell Owens (22.50)
Kennelz: Jon Kitna (30.40)

Okay, Mike, your WRs are good. Now lets see how you do w/out Steven Jackson.

Seriously, though, boys, time to change the smack talk. I have more points on the year than either of you. If you had played the guys Ive played youd be 0-3



SPANK IT BOYZ vs. CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM
Spank it wins the “Everybody in the league is 1-2 Bowl”
124.15 – 96.00
Team Stars
Spanky: Donovan McNabb (35.75)
Ch 4: Antonio Gates (22.30)

Yuck. Suddenly the games where teams go less than 100 points are coming pretty often.

I really hope Jay regrets the trade that allowed Rice to get Antonio Gates. Shit, lets just outlaw trading draft picks so this doesn’t fucking happen again. Ridiculous.


RI COLTS vs. ROOKIE
RI Colts win the “Ben can’t catch a break bowl”
165.25 – 129.40
Team Stars
Colts: Brian Westbrook (45.10)
Ben: DeShaun Foster (26.50)

Ben, honestly, man… its not your fault. All things being equal youd be in decent shape. Im starting to believe in this team again. Stay the course and don’t panic.

As for Tom, apparently the Westbrook is hurt reports have begun for this year already… he’s never actually hurt, but I don’t envy you having to watch it. He looks pretty fucking good though… Shouldn’t have dropped as far as he did.



2) Bets

CASALI LIQUORS CUP
Stump the Skorupe 1-0
RI Colts 1-0
Ambulance Chasers 0-0
George 0-2


AL and MIKE’s WRs
-Who has the better wideouts? Decided by total points on the year
MIKE: 156
AL: 115.4


AL & GEORGE TOTAL POINTS
AL: 393.85
GY: 373.85


Im ashamed that the rest of you don’t have bets. If you DO bet, let me know and it can go here so we can all mock the loser.



3) Heroes

MOST POINTS BY A TEAM THIS WEEK
171.00 – Ambulance Chasers vs. Donkey Punchers


MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS WEEK
51.10 – Kevin Curtis vs. DET– John (RECORD)


MOST CUMULATIVE POINTS BY A PLAYER THIS YEAR
92.30 – Randy Moss - GY
88.40 –Brian Westbrook – Tom
87.40 – Chad Johnson - Vinny
85.70 – Tony Romo – Jay
85.15 – Tom Brady – Brad
83.75 – Carson Palmer – Rice
79.30 – TJ Hdffjdfhdsfzadeh – Joe
78.00 – Jon Kitna – Sweeney
73.00 – Derek Andeson - Terry

MOST POINTS BY A TEAM IN A SINGLE WEEK THIS YEAR
171.95 – Channel 4 News Team vs. Cincinnati Bowties (Week 2)
171.00 – Ambulance Chasers vs. Donkey Punchers (Week 3)
165.25 – RI Colts vs. Rookie (Week 3)
158.15 - Johnny Gay Rainbows vs. RI Colts (Week 1)
154.00 – Johnny Gay Rainbows vs. GY (Week 3)
150.10 - Cincinnati Bowties vs. Channel 4 News Team (Week 2)
147.70 – RI Colts vs. Johnny Gay Rainbows (Week 1)
139.75 – Donkey Punchers vs. Ambulance Chasers (Week 3)
139.20 – SK Warriors vs. GOODFELLAS (Week 3)
138.95 – Stump the Skorupe vs. GY (Week 1)


MOST POINTS BY A PLAYER IN A SINGLE WEEK THIS YEAR
51.10 – Kevin Curtis vs. DET (Week 3) – John
47.10 – Ronnie Brown vs. NYJ (Week 3) – Al
45.10 – Brian Westbrook vs. DET (Week3) - Tom
45.05 – Carson Palmer vs. CLE (Week 2) - Rice
44.40 - Plaxico Burress vs. DAL (Week 1) - Mike
44.10 – Anquan Boldin vs. BAL (Week 3) - Al
43.90 – Ocho Cinco vs. CLE (Week 2) - Vinny
41.30 – Steve Smith vs. HOU (Week 2) - Brad
40.35 - Tony Romo vs. NYG (Week 1) – Terry
35.75 – Donovan McNabb vs DET (Week 3) - Terry
35.40 – Roy Williams vs. PHI (Week 3) - Steve
34.60 – Braylon Edwards vs. CIN (Week 2) - Rice
33.30 - Randy Moss vs. NYJ (Week 1) – George
31.00 – Andre Johnson vs. CAR (Week 2) – John
30.90 – LaMont Jordan vs. DET (Week 1) – Tom


STAR OF THE WEEK (Worth an extra star)
Kevin Curtis (51.10)

TEAM STARS LEADERS (Most Stars at end of season = Fantasy MVP)
3 Randy Moss

2 Tom Brady
2 Plaxico Burress
2 Ocho Cinco
2 Kevin Curtis
2 Antonio Gates
2 TJ Houshmanzadeh
2 Edgerrin James
2 Jon Kitna
2 Terrell Owens
2 Carson Palmer
2 Brian Westbrook

1 Anquan Boldin
1 Ronnie Brown
1 Dallas Clark
1 Lav Coles
1 DeShaun Foster
1 Joey Galloway
1 Frank Gore
1 Todd Heap
1 Tavis Henry
1 Lamont Jordan
1 Andre Johnson
1 Joe Jurevicius
1 Jamal Lewis
1 Donovan McNabb
1 Steve Smith
1 LaDainian Tomlinson
1 Tony Romo
1 Reggie Wayne
1 Javon Walker
1 Jason Witten
1 Roy Williams


TEAM STARS FROM THE U THIS WEEK
N/A

TEAM STARS FROM THE U THIS YEAR
2 Edgerrin James
1 Reggie Wayne
1 Andre Johnson
1 Frank Gore

TEAM STARS FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND THIS WEEK
N/A

TEAM STARS FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND THIS YEAR
1 LaMont Jordan


4) Zeroes (Players who started and scored no points)

None. Umm… good work everybody.

5) Almost Heroes (WRs and RBs who did not start and scored 20+ points)

Vinny - Roddy White (25.70)
Terry – Marion Barber III (24.20)
Steve – Derrick Mason (21.90)
Rice – DAL (23.00)

6) Almost Zeroes (Players who started and scored few points – less than 15 FFP for a QB; less than 10 for a RB, less than 5 for a WR)

Joe – Jake Delhomme (13.55) INJURY
Al – Edge (7.70)
Al – Isaac Bruce (4.40) Not on him, but on Bulger w/ his two broken ribs
Al – Lee Evans (1.70) Broncos, Chargers, Patsies… Evans will bounce back…
Steve – Julius Jones (7.50)
Jay – Drew Carter (2.70)
Jay – Jamal Lewis (9.80)
John – Josh McCown (10.90)
GY – Drew Brees (12.15) He is a “drop,” Georgie
GY – Kevin Walter (3.70) Who?
Brad – Steve Smith (2.60)
Vinny – Javon Walker (3.00)
Vinny – Tatum Bell (9.50)
Pat – Devery Henderson (2.10) Jesus…
Pat – Frank Gore (7.10)
Mike – Ben Turdburglar (13.80)
Mike – Akman Green (3.60) INJURY
Rice – Hines Ward (1.90)
Rice – Rudi Johnson (5.20)
Rice – Ladell Betts (3.20)
Terry – Travis Henry (9.50)
Terry – MJD (7.50)
Ben – Larry Johnson (5.20)


7) Haiku of the Week

(enriching your lives through art)

Duece, S-Jax go down

Ambulance Chasers return
Philly loves Curtis

8) The Office Quote of the Week

Michael (reading Dwight’s complaints): “Somebody replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert.” “Everyone has called me Dwayne all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.” “This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed a murder. I think he may be the real murderer.” “Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women’s room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.”

Michael (reading Dwight’s complaints): “Every time I typed my name, it said ‘Diapers.’” “By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.”
Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that’s how I spent my entire day that day.

Michael (reading Dwight’s complaint): “This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.”

Jim: That actually took awhile. I had to put uh more and more nickels into his handset, til he got used to the weight, and then I just … took them all out.